


Aishiteru no kotoba no omoide no naka dake (The words 'I love you' are only left in my memory)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Bitterness, Cheating, M/M, Requited Unrequited Love, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 12:37:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15413061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: He wished he could've averted his eyes.He didn’t want to be forced to look at him day after day, he wanted to be free from his constant presence, but it was pointless.He never left. When he wasn’t in front of him, he was inside his head.





	Aishiteru no kotoba no omoide no naka dake (The words 'I love you' are only left in my memory)

He wished he could've averted his eyes.

He didn’t want to be forced to look at him day after day, he wanted to be free from his constant presence, but it was pointless.

He never left. When he wasn’t in front of him, he was inside his head.

Always with the thought that everything might’ve been different, that right now they might’ve been happy together, and that the smile he saw every damn day on his face could've been there because of him.

Takaki wished he could've done something.

Being able to get close to Chinen, being able to tell him he had made a mistake, tell him that his place wasn’t with Yamada but with him, like it should've always been.

Less than two years before, though, he had closed that door.

He remembered that moment with extreme clarity.

He remembered Yuri taking him aside after an interview, waiting for the others to leave.

Yuya remembered he had had no idea of what the other was going to tell him.

He smiled about that, because he should've at least imagined.

_Yuuyan... I love you._

He had looked at him as if he didn’t know him, as if had just told him something he couldn’t understand, as if those words didn’t mean anything.

It had taken him a while to reply, a time that had seemed infinite to both of them.

And when he had finally opened his mouth to speak, he had felt like a monster having to disappoint him.

He had explained that he couldn’t see him like that, not the way he wanted to be seen.

That he was still a kid, that what he felt wasn’t love, _it couldn’t_ be.

Back then, he had been confident of what he was saying.

In hindsight, he realized he had just tried to make things easier for both of them, and he had completely failed.

It had taken Yuri a long time to recover. There had been months during which their relationship had frozen, where they saw each other only at work, without calling each other when they had some time off.

Yuya remembered every single time he had tried to look Yuri in the eyes, while the other lowered them.

He remembered it had hurt, and that he had thought he had no right to suffer, because he had been the one who had rejected Yuri.

But it had passed, one way or another, and he didn’t even know how or when.

One day Chinen had arrived to work, he had smiled to him and had waved, which hadn't happened in a long time.

They had slowly rebuilt their relationship, they had started having fun together again, going out, doing all that stuff they did before the younger had told him he was in love with him.

They had never talked about it.

Chinen didn’t dare to bring up the subject, nor Yuya had any wish to do so, because what he had done still didn’t sit right with him.

After that, everything had been okay.

He had had to bear the hours-long call, talking only about Ryosuke.

What they did together, how he felt when he was with him, what they were planning to do... Yamada, and Yamada only.

He had never openly admitted he felt something for him, but Yuya had learnt from his mistakes, and this time he had seen the signs.

He acted with Ryosuke the exact same way he did with him, over a year and a half before.

He didn’t know how he had taken this sudden realization.

Whenever Yuri talked about it, he felt weird.

He had blamed it on the fear of losing that relationship they had fought to bring back, and it often happened for him to be in a foul mood for entire days when he asked the younger to meet and he refused, saying he had plans with Yamada.

Takaki was frustrated by the whole situation, but he hadn't minded it too much. Not until it had become an obsession, at least.

Not until Yuri’s call to tell him he and Yamada had gotten together.

As happy as the younger was, Yuya had felt incredibly sad.

He had congratulated him, he had told him he was happy for them and he had let Yuri tell him what had happened in excruciating detail.

Meanwhile, he had thanked the gods it was a phone call and that they weren’t physically together; he wasn’t going to be able to hide the look on his face, he was pretty sure of it.

He had spent the whole night thinking about it, and then he had finally been forced to admit what the problem was.

He had thought about Yuri. He had thought about how his features weren’t those of a kid anymore, even though they weren’t still those of a man either; how his attitude had become milder, how he had become less whimsical and clingy, even though he was still a little spoiled.

Yuya thought about him, and he couldn’t find him close to the person who, almost two years before, had told him to be in love with him.

He was different, it was easier to be with him, it had become more... natural.

Taken off from there, it hadn't took him long to reach the conclusion.

He had fallen for Yuri.

When the younger had forgotten him, when he had learnt to be happy with someone else, when there was no trace left of the love he had once felt.

Yuya could do nothing but sit and watch, and congratulate himself for him timeliness.

He wanted to do something, even though he knew it was wrong.

He didn’t want to keep quiet, harbouring that feeling inside to the point of turning it into grudge.

He wanted to be as honest with Yuri as he had been with him. Was it for selfishness or not, he didn’t wonder.

He had already too many things to regret to afford being generous.

He didn’t want Yuri to suffer, but he was sure he didn’t want to be hurt like the younger had been.

All Yuya wanted was to go back in time, look at that face that had belonged to a kid and tell him he could’ve been able to love him as well.

Even though, most likely, a couple years before he wouldn’t have believed himself.

 

~

 

_“Chii... are you busy this afternoon?”_

He had regretted having asked that almost immediately, but he was in it now, and he couldn’t really tell him he had changed his mind.

He had taken his phone and had dialled the number, without even knowing why.

There had been a pause before the younger had replied, a moment where Yuya had sincerely hoped he was going to say he couldn’t.

When he had confirmed he was free, Yuya had sighed and had asked him if he wanted to come over.

Now, he was waiting for him.

He had sat on the couch, unable to focus enough to do something.

He was nervous.

It was his chance to tell him.

Tell him how he felt, tell him how big of an idiot he had been rejecting him, tell him...

He didn’t know what words he was going to use, and the more he thought about it the more confused he felt.

He was still pondering about it, when the doorbell rang.

He winced, then he took a deep breath to calm down and headed to the entrance.

Yuri was smiling, and he melted.

Right now, that he was smiling didn’t help; he liked him way too much when he did that, when it was sincere and not artificial.

“Hi, Yuri.” he said, his voice slightly hoarse.

“Hi, Yuuyan!” the other replied, getting inside and taking his shoes off, then he headed toward the living room without waiting for the elder.

Takaki followed him, stopping on the doorframe and looking at him while he sat on the couch, throwing an odd glance at him.

“What are you doing?” he asked, tilting his head.

The elder shook his head, and went sitting down as well.

“Yuri... there’s something I need to talk to you about.” he said, unable to beat around the bush.

The other arched an eyebrow, and the smile disappeared.

“What is it? Did something happen?” he asked, worried.

Yuya rushed to shake his head.

“No, no. Nothing... bad. There’s just something I want to tell you, and I didn’t want to do that on the phone.” he explained, quickly, without giving himself time to decide what words to use.

Seeing that Yuri wasn’t interrupting, he went on.

“I wanted to talk about what’s happened two years ago, Yuri.” he said, his voice barely audible.

The other opened his eyes wide, his lips thin and a look on his face that Yuya didn’t like at all.

“What could we possibly say about it, after all this time?” he asked, suddenly defensive.

Yuya bit his lips, knowing it wasn’t going to be easy.

“I need to explain what’s happened, what I thought back then, Yuri.” he said, calm, trying not to upset him even more.

“But why now? Where’s the need? I got over it, I don’t think about it anymore, and I don’t see what good it could be to talk about it.” he relied, sitting up straighter on the couch, clearly tensed.

“I didn’t get over it, Yuri. I keep thinking about what I told you and why I did it.” he said, and seeing that the other had caved and that he wasn’t going to retort again, he went on. “When you talked to me, I felt cornered. I rushed into thinking, and I just established that there could be nothing between us because you were too young for me, because the idea of you as a kid was too fresh, because I didn’t even thought that you weren’t anymore, that you would've become...” he paused, taking a deep breath and choosing the words cautiously. “That you would've become who you are now. I’ve rushed into it, and I’ve hurt you. And believe me, it’s something I never wanted to do, Yuri.” he closed, lowering his head and staring at his hands, sure he wasn’t going to sustain the other’s gaze any longer.

Chinen, on his part, kept looking doubtful and, it seemed to Yuya, tormented.

He looked at him gravely, and Yuya felt under accusation, even though he had done nothing wrong.

Not yet, at least.

“I get it, Yuya. But... why talk about it now? I told you, I don’t think about it anymore. And I bear you no grudge for what you said to me. You didn’t love me, that’s it. There wasn’t much I could do except feel bad for a while and take notice, right?” he said, while the elder moved closer to him.

“I know it makes no sense to talk about something that has happened two years ago. I know it won’t make either of us feel better. But that’s not the point, Yuri. The point is that I keep thinking about it, thinking about how stupid it has been of me to not even consider...” he hesitated for a moment and then he sighed, exasperated.

And then, he let his instinct drive him.

He leant toward him, bringing an arm around his waist and pulling him closer, filling the gap between them and pressing their lips together.

He kept still for a moment, the time to tell himself that what he was doing was wrong and then ignore this thought, then he deepened the kiss, tightening his hold on the other’s body and biting softly at his lower lip.

He didn’t know how long it had been going on, but at some point he felt the younger’s hands behind his head, holding him as he was doing with him, trying to get him even closer if it was possible.

Yuri was kissing him back, and he took it as a hint to go on.

He let his hands slip to the small of his back, bringing them under his shirt and caressing his naked skin, while he started feeling the soft moans muffled against his lips.

It was when he tried to push him back against the couch that the younger interrupted the kiss.

They started at each other, breathing heavily, looking flustered.

Yuya didn’t know what to expect now; but what he definitely wasn’t expecting, was the slap that hit his face.

He brushed his own cheek, and not for a real pain, but for how surprised he was at the gesture.

He looked at Chinen, confused, while the younger jumped up and stood in front of him.

“What the hell does it mean?” he yelled, his neck and his face red.

Yuya stood up too, never tearing his eyes off of him.

“Didn’t look like you were disliking it.” he said, with no malice and without wanting to be provocative; he was just stating that.

“You... you can’t make all those wise speeches about how sorry you are you’ve hurt me two  years ago and then kiss me, Yuya! What’s the point? What the hell is going through your thick skull?”

“I’ve thought about it, Yuri. I did, believe me. I... I don’t like to see you with Yamada.” he held his breath saying his name, a vague guilt making room inside of him, that he rushed to push back. “I don’t like it when you say you’re busy and that I can't see you. I don’t like it when I'm not with you, and I don’t like the thought that I’ve rejected you two years ago, because right now I feel an idiot to have done that. Having had you at hand’s grasp and having pushed you away, as if there was never going to be anything between us, and now realize that I feel...” he paused, looking for a word he couldn’t find. “Feel the way I do about you.” he said then, lowering his voice.

Chinen kept looking at him.

Yuya wished there could be anger on his face. Exasperation, irritation for what had happened.

And instead there was only sadness, once again because of him.

He slowly got closer, bringing again an arm behind his back and brushing his face with the other hand.

“Be the one to reject me now, Yuri. Tell me you don’t want me, that you’re happy with Yamada. That now you look at me and you feel nothing.” he murmured.

The other looked more and more bothered, more confused, sadder.

And with that same look on his face, he tiptoed and kissed him again.

“I can't.” he murmured then, pulling away. “I can't say that I look at you and feel nothing. I can't say I'm happy. I...” he was about to go on, but Yuya didn’t let him.

He pushed him, making him back off until his back hit the wall, and he started kissing him again.

And this time, neither of them dared to stop.

Takaki’s hands started moving again on Yuri’s body, again under the thin layer of fabric of his shirt, on his back, on his chest, on all of the skin they could find.

He felt the other’s hands do the same, he felt him scratch, while Yuri’s mouth moved to his neck, biting on it. And Yuya had a feeling what it wasn’t a matter of passion, that it was done to hurt him, but he wasn’t bothered by it.

He pulled away to take his shirt off, and then he kissed him again with the same rush.

“Bed.” was all he could say as soon as the other let him.

Without parting, without losing contact with each other’s body, they moved to the other room.

Yuya pushed on Yuri’s shoulders until he was against the mattress, then he climbed on top of him, propping himself up on his elbows so that he wouldn’t weight on him.

He attacked his neck with his mouth, more delicate than the other had been, while his hands dealt with his belt, taking it off quickly and moving to his jeans.

He was about to rid him of those too, when Yuri pushed him away and sat up.

Yuya got ready for another rejection, so he got surprised again when the younger straddled him, reversing their positions.

He saw Yuri throw a look at him which he couldn’t interpret, then he finished taking off his clothes and started dealing with the elder’s.

Yuya closed his eyes, focusing on the feeling of that naked skin against his own.

He felt him start some sort of path with his tongue on his chest, going down from his collarbone to his navel, never lingering on any particular spot.

When he reached his groin, Yuya held his breath.

And he did until the younger’s tongue rested on his cock; he rolled his head back, groaning and bringing his hand through Yuri’s hair, without pushing him, just so that he could hold on to something.

The younger brushed his tongue on him, while his hand lazily caressed a sensitive spot on his hip.

Yuya couldn’t say how long it went on; he just knew it was too soon when he started feeling close.

And Yuri must’ve realized that too, because it was then that he pulled away, abruptly, and all Yuya could do was groan.

The younger stared at him, expectation going to join that unreadable look on his face.

Quickly recovered from the lack of contact, Yuya sat up, grabbing his waist and bringing Yuri on top of him, then rolling him on the mattress.

He stretched toward the nightstand, opening the drawer and rummaging until he found what he was looking for.

He looked Chinen in the eyes while he coated his fingers with the lube, trying to read the look on his face and failing again in doing so.

He laid on top of him, pushing his knees between his legs to make room, brushing his thighs before moving his hand to tease his rim.

He didn’t tear his eyes off of him while he pushed the first finger inside.

He saw him bit his lip, uncomfortable, but it didn’t look like he had hurt him.

Trying to calm down, he moved his hand for a short while before adding the second one; Yuri couldn’t hold back a groan, and he froze.

“If... if it hurts I can...” he said, unsure, but the younger interrupted him straight away.

“I'm not made of glass, Yuya, I won’t break. Shut up and move.” he hissed, closing his eyes and breathing deeply.

Despite his words, Takaki took his time stretching him. He pushed the third finger inside trying to be as delicate as possible, until he saw impatience on the other’s face.

Then he let them slip out, settling down between his legs.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and thrust inside, firm.

Chinen bit his lip, and his body tensed under Yuya’s; the elder brought a hand to his face, meaning to caress it, but Yuri pushed his away.

Sighing, he started moving inside of him.

The initial thrusts were slow, cautious; he tried to control himself, despite how hard it was to resist the feeling of the younger’s body clenching around him.

Only when he felt Yuri’s legs around his hips he decided to quicken the pace, and he pushed harder inside of him, grabbing his shoulder, leaning toward him and kissing him, hard.

He brought a hand between their bodies and wrapped it around his cock, stroking it at the same pace as his thrusts.

After a while – he couldn’t really tell how long, lost in this as he was – he saw him tense and arch his back, while he let go to an indistinct sound and spilled over his hand.

Feeling him get tighter around him, he thrust harder to keep him open and reached his limit as well, coming deep inside of him.

He pulled out after a few seconds, delicate, and went lying next to him.

He kept his eyes closed.

He didn’t want to open them, he didn’t want to see the look on Yuri’s face.

He didn’t want to find out that what had happened had a meaning only for him.

But when he felt the other side of the bed empty, he was forced to watch.

He saw Yuri head toward the bathroom, he heard the water running.

And – he thought, but he may only have imagined it – he heard a muffled sob.

The younger got out a short while later, his eyes reddened.

Yuya looked at him while he got dressed, quickly, never looking toward him.

“Yu...” he murmured, a plea in his voice.

“Don’t say anything, Yuya. Don’t... don’t expect this to mean something.” he hissed. Then he finally raised his eyes, and all Takaki could see was anger.

“Yuri, I didn’t want you to feel... you know, forced, somehow. I just wanted you to know how I felt, everything else wasn’t taken into account.” he said, his voice sincerely sorrowful.

“What is it that you didn’t want, Yuya? You didn’t want to put me in front of the fact that once again, after all this time, I can't say I don’t give a damn about you? Did you want me to turn my back and walk away, just like you did?” he yelled, a few tears running down his face, and he rushed to dry them up. “I can't, I'm sorry. I thought I had finally managed to be happy, but apparently I was wrong, apparently I haven’t erased you, I just put you aside. And it’s my fault.” he sighed, trying to calm down. “But that doesn’t change anything. What’s happened right now has been a moment of weakness on my part, and not something that’s going to happen again. Because it doesn’t matter what I think, it doesn’t matter what I may or may not feel about you. You’ve had your chance, Yuya, and you blew it. I'm not willing to let you use me as you please.” he backed off toward the door, holding tight on the frame until his knuckles turned white. “I had managed to convince myself that it didn’t matter, two years ago. That it wasn’t your fault, because it wasn’t. That you had tried to spare me the pain, to be straightforward, without hurting me. And I’ve also been grateful to you for that, you can't even imagine it.” he bit his lip. “Now I can hate you, finally, and you don’t know how _good_ it makes me feel.” he said, his voice sharp, and then he left the room.

Yuya wished he could've chased after him.

He wished he could've stopped him, hug him, beg him to stay, tell him it wasn’t too late, that they could forget the past; that if they felt the same, it was going to be easy. 

But he would've lied, again.

Yuri was right.

He had had his chance, and had treated it as if it had no worth at all.

He didn’t deserve a second one, for sure not right now, not under those circumstances.

Yuri and him had run one toward the other, never managing to meet halfway; they had loved each other at different moments in time, and both the moments had been wrong.

Yuya laid down on the bed, sinking his face in the pillow, smelling Yuri’s scent and letting it deep inside of him, trying to burn it into his mind, because he was sure it was never going to be there anymore.

They were lies of time; nothing was ever going to make them real.

 


End file.
